AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area You guys & gals want jokes?

This one is for my favorite LIBERAL Jane, don't take it personally Jane I still love you especially after seeing your pictures that you posted. I think I remember another Jane who was quite liberal I think her name was Fonda or Turner.....something like that!

A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp,not my Janepa for sure,
and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie,
ready to grant her a single wish.

"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden -- poof! --
there was a great cloud of smoke.

When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, Al
Gore and some guy named Lieberman.

oh those "men" jokes were hilarious!!!!we need more of those!!! C

For my friends on the chat

> When you are sad,.............
> I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum
> sucking bastard who made you sad.
>
> When you are blue,..........
> I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>
> When you smile,............
> I'll know you finally got laid.
>
> When you are scared,.........
> I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>
> When you are worried,.........
> I will tell you horrible stories about how much
> worse it could be and to quit whining.
>
> When you are confused,........
> I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
>
> When you are sick.........
> Stay away from me until you're well again,
> I don't want whatever you have.
>
> When you fall......
> I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>
> This is my oath...............
> I pledge till the end.
>
> Why you may ask?........
> Because you're my friend.

Just received from Joke of the Day.

Kid's Instructions on Life...
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8

> >> > There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
> >> > > > they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the
> >lights.
> >> > > > Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She
figured
> >> > > > she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night,
while
> >> > > > they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.
She
> >> > > > looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets
> >> > > > completely upset. "You impotent bastard,"
> >> > > > she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these
> >> > > > years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her
> >> > > > straight in the eyes and says, calmly..." I'll explain the dildo
> if
> >> > > > you explain the kids."

RETIREMENT IN THE EYES OF A CHILD

After Christmas break from school, a teacher asked her young pupils to write how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:

We always spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out and they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


Harriette
Do everything passionately!

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
> trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
> sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as
> the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
> being behind schedule.
>
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
> stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,
> he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had
> jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked
> and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
> Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee
> and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the
> elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
> frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds
> of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
>
> Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
> door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a
> great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like
> to put this tree fat man?"
>
> And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of
> the Christmas tree.

LMAO!! thanks guys, for comming back. zeke, wadda ya tryin' ta say about my boobs? and for the record, i dont want big ones, just what i had before i had kids. and my husband HATES jane fonda, thinks she's a total f-in' hypocrite asshole, and i am being polite here. but, i appreciate your sentiment, i think. XXOO to you.

keep these jokes a-commin'. love to hear them! i am cracking up!

ps - scubalady, my folks retarded to AZ 2 yrs ago, and it was so poignient (and funny), i sent it to them and my siblings!!

The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club afterexercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, It's me."

- "Sugar!"

- "Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $1,500.00"

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

- "How much are they asking?"


- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

- "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while asking,

- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Zeke,
Got the number to that club?????