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Being from Texas gives me license to love this one.... Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

New Disease Alert from The Centers for Disease Control
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your
colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This
virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into
contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Optional: Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase
antidote - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system

A woman returned to her 20 year reunion. Where she met all her friends
from high school.
The subject of husbands came up. All the other women were either married
to doctors or lawyers, when it was her turn, she replied,'that is my
husband over there, and he is an automotive technician.'

All the other women were aghast. 'I thought you were married to a lawyer',
asked one of the women. Her reply was 'yes my first husband was a lawyer,
then I married a doctor, after the doctor, I met Greg who is an automotive
technician.'

All the women could not understand why she would do something like that,
an automotive technician !!! Her reply was 'all the lawyer wanted to do is
talk about it, the doctor just wanted to look at it, and the technician
tore it apart on our wedding night, and has been working on it ever
since.'

> DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS
> >



> > A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on
> >
> > a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
> >
> > 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
> >
> > His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
> >
> > Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he
kicks
> > a
> > chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
> >
> > When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
> >
> > He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
> > gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
> >
> > 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
> > and why don't I have
> > any milk in my cereal? ' he asks.
> > 'Well,' his mother says,
> > I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
> > eggs for a week.
> >
> > I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
> >
> > I saw you kick the cow so for a week
> > you aren't getting any milk.'
> >
> > Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
> > kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
> >
> >
> > The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
> >
> > and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion
into a gas station in Gander. The pump attendant, who obviously knows
nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."How's she cuttin' bye" says
the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello"and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground. "What are dose?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees"
replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the
attendant. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Well Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!

Subject: KEEPING PEOPLE HAPPY
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:22:13 +0000


Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the Republican pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and
make 156 million people very happy."

Ok, Ry - even I have to admit that's kinda funny!

Option #2: Go to Belize as soon as you get through customs.

This is not intended for any blondes on this Board. They are all intelligent beautiful people! Don't kill me ladies,please!

BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
>
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and
tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

I should run that through Snopes, but I want to believe it's true!!!