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A blonde was driving down the highway when she noticed her car starting to rattle, ping and lose power. She looked down and saw the temperature gauge pegged in the red so she shut of the ignition and coasted off the side of the road. No sooner had she got out to open the hood when four dudes jumped out -- each running to a different corner of the car, throwing open the trench coats they were wearing and waving their manhood at the approaching traffic! Soon a state trooper pulled up and asked "What on earth is going on?" "Well," said the blonde, "My dad is a mechanic and he taught me to always pull over if the car overheats, and my car IS overheated!" "Yes, of course, I can see that!" said the trooper impatiently, observing the geyser of antifreeze spewing from the burst upper radiator tank, "But what's with these four guys?" "Oh", said the blonde...."Those are my emergency flashers!"

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "my friend is dead, what can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, make sure he's really dead".

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone the guy says "OK. Now what?".

TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE
>
> The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
> class,
> 'Which human body part increases to ten times its
> size when stimulated?'
> No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
> 'You should not be
> asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going
> to Tell my parents,and
> they will go and tell the principal, who will then
> Fire you!'
>
> Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
> 'Which body part
> increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
>
> Little Mary's mouthfell open. Then she said to those
> around her, 'Boy, is
> she going to get in big trouble!'
>
> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
> class, 'Anybody?'
>
> Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
> and said, 'The body part
> that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
> the pupil of the eye.'
>
> Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to
> Mary and continued. ' As
> for you, young lady, I have three things to
> say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't
> read your homework, and
> three, one day you are going to be very, very
> disappointed.'

Paddy is sitting at a resturatnt with a couple he had just met from England.
In the middle of dinner Paddy stands up and lets loose with a loud Fart!
The Englishman stands up and says " How dare you Fart in front of my wife"
Paddy says. "I'm so sorry I didn't know it was her turn"

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather' s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. '
#####
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting, ' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
#####
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'
A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...

A rather portly gentleman is talking to his doctor, he says doc I understand as we
age the lower parts have a tendency to sag and get longer but it seems that every
time I step up to the latrine I have a harder time finding the little dove the girls love,
any suggestions? To this the doctor replies, you might try to diet. The old gent
says, thats a great idea, any suggestions as to what would be the best colour?

This is funny but the scary. It's probably not too far away from being reality. Want to know how to order a pizza in 2010? Click the link and see. Turn up the volume. Listen closely. Watch the pointer.
Somebody check with Pedro and see if he's planning on implementing this program!


http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

To my drinking friends .
>
>
>
>
>
> I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
>
>
> Scared the s**t out of me!
>
>
> So that's it!
>
>
> After today, no more reading.

This is (allegedly) a true story.

The Queen was in her horse-drawn Landau with a visiting Head of State driving up The Mall towards Buckingham Palace.

Suddenly one of the horses let rip with a loud and smelly fart.

The Queen felt really embarrassed and said to her fellow passenger "Oh, I do beg your pardon!".

To which visiting HoS replied "That's all right, Ma'am. I thought it was one of the horses".

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.