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I think Denny and Ernie needs to take their act on the road.

LOL!!! LOL!!!
Nothing like a good rib tickler in the mornin'

Cop pulls into a local lover's lane and spots a car. He sneaks up on the car and sees a man in the front seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat nitting. The cop asked the man what he is doing, to which he replys "I'm reading a magazine". The cop then asks what the girl in the back seat is doing, to which he replys "she is kniting a pull over sweater". The cop asks "how old are you", to which he responds, "twenty five". The cop then asks "how old is she". The man answers after looking at his watch, "in twelve minutes she will be eighteen". :rolleyes:

Here follows the script for a new Palmolive dishwashing liquid TV advertisement due to be broadcast in Alabama:

Child: "Mommy, Mommy why are your hands so soft?"

Mother: "I'm fifteen."

My brother-in-law's all-time favorite:
Riddle: What is the optimal weight for an attorney? Answer: Three pounds, including the urn.

Nothing new here but some genuine fun...

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender and "collaborate."

This may have been precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their White Flag factories, disabling their Military for the time being...


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________________________

> Q: Are you sexually active?
> A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________

> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July 15.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
______________________________________

> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
the next morning?
> A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________

> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

> Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A: Oral.
______________________________________

> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Blond, female cop pulls blond, female driver over for speeding.
"May I see your driver's license, please?"
Driver fumbles in her purse, says, "I can't find it. What does it look like?"
Cop says, "It's about this big and has your picture on it."
Blond driver fumbles more, finally comes up with her compact, opens it, sees herself and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it and says, "Gee, if I'd known you were a cop I wouldn't have stopped you!"

Lickle' local humor?

1)

Young bwoy asks the tourist;

"How you like da tamales?"

Tourist replies;

"Delicious, but the cabage was a little bitter."


2)

Same young Belizean grows up hearing the US is so wonderful you can pick money up, right off the streets.

He finally makes it to the US and upon arrival, to someones dismay, sees a C-note blowing around in the wind outside of the airport.

Speaking to himself he says;

"I'm too tired from traveling and will start collecting tomorrow."


3)

BELIZEAN PROVERB:

Don't tell the crocodile he has a big mouth until you have crossed the river.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up! the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing! so hard!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies
for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one 1 condition." (There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly, and meaningfully, said....

Clean my house