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The Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was a bit effeminate and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the effeminate guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Only a true sailor will really appreciate this...

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

So what do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart [that horrible, society-destroying, environment-eating, sweatshop supporting, behemoth of a death-knell to small business and general bane of society...where most of us shop anyway:) --there, did I satisfy the Mart-haters club? ] have in common?

They both have children departments?

Close.

They both have little boys' pants half-off!

MJ's lawyers would argue the pants were "half-on"

If those horrible (yet entirely accurate) comments about Wal Mart don't bring I'mmissing out of hiding, I just don't know what will.

Eeeeeeee where are you????????

Aw, heck. I can't hate the Mart too bad. Got a pretty good selection of fishing gear and they're spending some serious money with us at work over this little discrimination case.

And they're my (and bywarren's) neighbors down at the lake house. They sure do gainfully employ an awful lot of folks...but I really don't want to stir that mess up again.

Facts:

1. Walmart is the nations largest employer.

2. 85 percent of the stores' items are made overseas.

3. Average hourly pay for non-supervisors is ~$8.00

4. Only 38% of employees participate in Walmart's health plan

5. 20 years ago General Motors was the nation's largest employer whose workers earned $17.50 an hour plus health, pension and vacation benefits and cost-of-living increases.

My Opinion:

Of course, none of this is really Walmart's fault. Rather they are just a symptoms of the current declining state of the US economy.

Oh by the way McDonalds is the number 2 employer. So I guess we should bash on them for a while too.

Now back on topic.
-------------------------------------------------

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

OMG!!! These jokes are too funny...

AND I just have to put my 2 BZ cents in as well: Walmart s$%ks. At least we are in the GENERAL area now and will not be scolded this time around.

Now, please tell me exactly what is Catatonic Motivator suppose to mean?