AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Joke Thread

Closing time at the local bar and the tipsy patrons start filing out toward the parking lot.

Across the lot a police officer watches for an easy DUI arrest. One of the last customers to leave staggers thru the door, falls down the steps and starts crawling across the parking lot.

The officer watches as he slowly crawls to a pickup truck and tries to fit his key in the door while still sitting on the ground. The parking lot has cleared out by this time and he is the last patron left.

He finally stands up, unlocks the door, cranks the truck and drives out the lot.

The police officer immediately turns on his blue lights and pulls the man over. How much have you had to drink tonight asks the officer? It took you 20 minutes to get into your truck!

Not a thing to drink tonight, replies the man. Tonight I lost the flip and got picked as the designated drunk :-)

Finally, a Blonde "Guy" Joke

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten SOB" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Cap'n Jeff awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed," he asked the nurse, "Is it night?"

She replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

LOL...I hate to admit it but it took me a while to get that last one.

The Cap'n might be surprised to think that you think he is going to Hell. Then again, he might not.

As Elain says, I couldn't stand the ragged clothing. I'd better take the hi road.....

Subject: girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out,
and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a headstone or
something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took
off her panties, and used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear
set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough
to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a
grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the
other husband and said, "These damn girls night out
have got to stop. My wife came home last night without
her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with
a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
`From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.'"

hi miss

You forgot the joke. This is the Joke Thread.

Like this:

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell theprincipal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


See? It's easy!

hi gay

From interviews with children:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
>
> --Alan, age 10
>
No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
>
> --Kirsten, age 10
>
> WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
> --Camille, age 10
>
> No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
> --Freddie, age 6
>
> HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
> --Derrick, age 8
>
> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
> Both don't want any more kids.
> --Lori, age 8
>
> WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
> Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

> --Lynnette, age 8
>
> On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
>
> --Martin, age 10
>
> WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
> I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
>
> --Craig, age 9
>
> WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
> When they're rich.
> --Pam, age 7
>
> The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
>
> --Curt, age 7
>
> The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
>
> --Howard, age 8
>
> IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
> I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
>
> --Theodore, age 8
>
> It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
> --Anita, age 9
>
> HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
> There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
> --Kelvin, age 8
>
>
> "And the #1 Favorite is........"
> HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
> Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
> --Ricky, age 10
> >>
>