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From last week's Sports Illustrated.

By Marcus Spears - Houston Texans Tackle:

"The best joke I can tell in Sports Illustrated"

There's a preacher on a missionary trip to Africa. He's out exploring when he gets lost in the jungle and finds himself being chased by a lion. He runs for miles until he's so exhausted he stops and gives up. As the lion approaches, the preacher falls to his knees and begins to pray. "Please, Lord, don't let this lion eat me." The lion stops in front of the man, stares for awhile, then gets on his knees and begins speaking softly. Excited about his prayer being answered, the preacher turns to the lion and says, "I didn't know lions prayed." The lion says, "Don't get excited, I'm saying grace."

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I realize it's Friday - and no one really wants to concentrate on work - but here are some things you should know:

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing the boss' ass rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nicole Show or the Bachelor are prime examples.

12. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

13. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

14. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located).

15. GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
16. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (i.e.: you really want to recall that e mail.)

17. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

18. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).

A few of my own personal ones to add.
A co worker whose mother-in-law lived with them and tended to talk to herself a lot. He and his wife referred to these as "momversations".
My tendancy to notice and comment on totally inane or outrageous items are referred to by the family as "bobservations".

Why the dog left home...

WOW! Look at that cat! Neeto!!!

Management Trainee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling
a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want
coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down
in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just
walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up
to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa there! We're still cleaning up your mess
from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper
management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

While likely true, the Joke Thread was the best place for this one.

Female Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows how to answer "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
Amen.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing
one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Subj: FW: *****SCAM***** Warning!!
Date: 12/1/2004 5:20:11 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Denny Shane

I hate when people forward too many warnings or virus alerts , but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and jump around to
see how many fall off, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...