AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Joke Thread

My personal favorite Christmas Story I LMAO every year I pull this out!!

>This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
>out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
>
>Christmas with Louise
>
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
>What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every
>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed his poor
>pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went
>in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
>Wal-Mart.
>
>I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
>X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
>saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would
>buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to
>buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger
>in my truck, so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
>
>Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
>models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
>things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
>Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
>took a huge leap of imagination.
>
>On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
>life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
>morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling
>pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and
>drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
>giggled for a couple of hours.
>
>The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
>and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
>confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
>more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest
>of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
>Christmas dinner.
>
>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
>hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
>continued.
>
>"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
>into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
>any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
>Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
>"Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
>
>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and
>said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's
>friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
>Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
>realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
>sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap
>in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through
>my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
>administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
>chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
>stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
>
>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
>garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
>collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
>back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
>tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
>bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get
>out of the house.
>
>

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

DB-

My mom sent that to you too, huh? Wonder how she got your email addy?

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

sass!!!!!!! FDLMAO!!! Very good one!!! Thank You.

sassnfun - Thanks a bunch. I haven't laughed that hard for a long time. Great way to start my morning.

Just received this a few days ago... don't know where they came from, but they were worth passing along....

Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere - even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Keaton


I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the Food Police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favourite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Mine isn't, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now & New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over.

But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Merry Christmas anyway!!
Moe

Well I am glad you girls enjoyed Louises Adventure.If i ever need a good laugh she is always in the archives...

Can you I.D. Bubba?


Bubba died in a horrible fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The men were inseperable and had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled Bubba over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was a little strange.

Then he brought in Gomer to identify the body. Gomer said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said "Naw, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "WHAT? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

ROFLMAHOLEO :-)