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you know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts???.............beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are under a buck

How do cowboys signal each other while rounding up strays in the dark? Communication Saddle Lights.

What do you call a toothless elephant from New Orleans? Gumbo.

Where do old photographers go when they can no longer live alone? The Old Focus Home

Police Dept's Office Answering Machine: (Joke)

Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember.....we're here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!

Thank You for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

The attorney said, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?"

The pathologist replied, "No."

"Did you listen to the heart?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

The patholgist sighed.

"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

A little boy says: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!

husband and wife are driving down the motorway, with the wife behind the wheel, when the husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

"And don't try to talk me out of it," he says "Because I am having an affair with your best friend and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel tightly and slowly increases the speed to 70 mph.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

She inches up to 80 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

She is now doing 85 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll take the bank accounts, credit cards and the boat."

The car starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife replies in a quiet and controlled voice, "I've got the only thing I need."

"Oh really?" he enquires. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 90 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says.....


"The airbag!"

Bus Conversation

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated coversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together.

I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives public!"

Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer, please, and one for the road."
--------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
--------------------------
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at, either.

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down...
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.