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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you,Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the South of France,
and...."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Bejaysus! - you scared me half to death, girl!

"I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"

:rolleyes:

***** CAUTION - SOME OF YOU MAY FIND PORTIONS OF THIS UNCOMFORTABLE *****

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age
8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)


My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)


When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

Two mighty trees grew up next to each other in the forest. One was a beech and the other a birch. Last spring a new tree sprouted and grew up between them. They argued as to who was the parent. The birch tree said that as handsome as it was, it must be the son of a birch. The beech tree argued that as tall and strong as it had become, it must be the son of a beech. They argued all summer over the saplings heritage. A woodpecker came along and the two old trees asked him to settle the argument, since woodpeckers are a good judge of trees. The woodpecker agrees and flies down and pecks on the sapling a little while, then flies back up. So, who's son is it asked the father trees in unison? The woodpecker responded, well I have bad news, first it is not a son of a beech, nor is it a son of a birch, it is a female tree. Second, it did not come from either of you fine trees. But, it is the sweetest young piece of ash that I've ever put my pecker in.

Who is Nookie Green?
----------------------
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. But nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

About that time, the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed to a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth....but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home...including the curtain rods.

Got to love it!

That's ugly payback! hope my wife doesn't read this.

Another Dumb Blonde Joke 1

A young blonde is on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wants to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but is very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors are asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouts, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper says with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde heads out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in frustration, she shouts ..


"DAMN ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

Another Dumb Blonde Joke 2

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Final Dumb Blonde Joke

did you hear about the blonde who died the other day while she was ice fishing?

the Zamboni ran her over!