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Do you know how to burn a blonde....give her a phone call when she is ironing.

Denny works hard at the courthouse and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

A thoughtful woman, no?

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Denny! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Denny. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Denny if he'd like his usual and brings over a Belikin. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Belikin?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Denny, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Hizonner. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Denny's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Denny follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Denny tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Denny, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Dear Tide;
I am writing to tell you what an excellent product you have! I have used it all through my married life, since my Mom always told me, it was the best. Now that I am in my 50's, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Liquid Tide with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, ALL of the stains came out!! In fact, the stains came out so well, the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect, in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you once again, for having such a GREAT product! Well, gotta run. I must write a letter to the Hefty Bag people!
Sincerely, Betsy

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bill, President Bill, actually... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I was laid off from my consulting job
and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...that's part of why I'm President for Life.

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she generally finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men.

But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She sometimes has to take a break when she is only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then I let her take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many
men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Bill

CatMo's note: Sadly, we just heard that our dear friend Bill died suddenly last Thursday. He was
found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it. She was released on Friday.

Good one CatMo! Kinda reminds me of my first husband...and come to think of it...my second one, too!

Does your bride know you posted this? I'd lock my clubs in the trunk if I were you !

Blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car, when a

Blonde policewoman pulled her over and asked to see her license.

The blonde driver dug in her purse, became flustered, and asked the policewoman what it looked like. The policewoman said "It's square and
has your picture on it!"

The blonde found a square mirror, looked at it, then handed it to the
blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looked at it and said: "You're O.K. to go - I didn't
realize you were a policewoman too." !!!!!!!

Blonde Kidnapping

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde

Blond runs into the house and says "Mommy, today in school I was the only one who could spell cat, CAT. Mother replies thats good dear. Blond says is it because I am blond that I am so smart?

Mother replies "Yes, dear its because ur a blond" A couple of days later blond comes runnung in house and says "Mommy, mommy today in school I was the only one who could add 5 and 5 is ten." Mother says very good dear. Blond says is it becasue I am a blond.

Mother says "Yes dear it because ur a blond." Afew days later blond comes running in and says 'Mommy, today we had gym and had to shower. And I am the only one that has these." To which she pulls up her sweater and wxposes a fime pair of breasts. The blond then says "Do I have these because I am a blond.

The mother replies "No dear its because ur 21."

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see
what happens.

5 Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a
mirror, and pick your nose.

10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.

13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"