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Beverly and Bonnie (blondes of course) were doing some carpentry work on a
house. Beverly, who was nailing on vinyl siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
in.
Bonnie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing
those nails away?" Beverly explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw >them away."
Bonnie got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

How To Install Software,a12-Step Program

1.) Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.


2.) Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3.) Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers.

4.) Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5.) If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6.) Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7.) Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8.) You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
Yes! Sure!

9.) After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe", "fester.dat" and "doo.wha."

10.) When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:


CONGRATULATIONS !

The installation program cannot think of anything
else to do to your computer and has grown bored.
You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately

11.) At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12.) Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12

ahahahaha good one klc. That was more truth in humor.

True story, not so funny. I had a computer crap out on me. There was nothing to be done but take it to the shop to be "recovered if possible". This was in the middle of winter, ice and snow everywhere.

I hauled it up my stairs, out the door, safely down the steps, across the ice-covered back patio, into the garage, and placed it ever so carefully into the trunk . . .then adeptly maneuvered my vehicle on slick roads. Once I arrived at the shop, all the while cradling my precious cargo, I managed to get their gate open despite it being frozen, made it up the icy walk, up the steps, through the door that kept trying to close on me, down their full flight of stairs and gently laid my computer on the counter. It languished at the shop for a couple of weeks before I finally received the bad news. It really was crapped out and never to be of use again.

So I drove back to the shop in another blizzard and picked out my new computer. It was even heavier than my crapped-out computer. One of the staff was good enough to help me load it into my trunk. I returned home being ever so vigilant on the dangerous streets. I unloaded it, carried it out of the garage, up the icy sidewalk, across the glacial patio, over the frosty steps, through the door and back down the stairs to my own office. I was puffing and ever so grateful to have my lovely new toy home safely.

I'd already pulled everything away from the wall and so set it down near the corner of the desk. I then began to sort and organize the wiring. Once that was mostly figured out and intending to properly place my fabulous acquisition . . .I turned . . . and in the process, nudged it with my hip. In that flashing moment, I saw that I'd carelessly set it on a book. And with that belated revelation, I was able to watch it tumble swiftly and gracelessly to the floor. Uh, whereupon I carried it back up the stairs, out the door . . .

YOU KNOW YOUR'E FROM TEXAS

1- You allow your 14 year old daughter to smoke at the table in front of her kids.

2- The Blue Book value on your pickup goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3- You have been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4- You wonder how the service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

5- Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this"

6- You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

7- your wifes hair was ruined buy a ceiling fan.

8- Your junior prom offered day care.

9- You think the last words of the "Star Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines".

10- The Halloween pumpkin on your poarch has more teeth than your wife.

11- You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

12- One of your kids was born on a pool table.

13- You think loading the dish washer means getting your wife drunk. Laughing

14- The animal name signs at the zoo includes a recipe.

15 - Your favorite pickup line is "Hey sis, you awake??

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.

St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying
"You will certainly enjoy Paradise."

The Texan shook his head sadly and said
"I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."

St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.

The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."


Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere..picture perfect! "Now," said St. Peter, "have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"

The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."


Becoming more upset, St Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never ever been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".


At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down.

As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,"Mrs.Jones,do you know me?" She responded,"Why,yes I do know you,Mr.Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,"Mrs.Jones.do you know the defense attorney? "She again replied,"Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Some Irish Jokes

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda.. no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

A Joke For Friday

Ellis Rubenfeld owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, Ellis decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all quickly went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."


Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first with, "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and everyone will die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

And Gates replies, "I believe you're in my chair."

A young woman gets a job in a sex shop. After a few days her boss leaves her on her own for the afternoon.

A black woman comes into the store and says, "I'm looking for something new in a dildo."

"We just got these in," says the young woman proudly.

"Fine, I'll take one of those," says the customer.

An hour later a white woman comes into the store. "I'm looking for something new in a dildo," she says.

"Have a look at these," said the clerk. "We just got them in." The woman makes her choice and leaves.

Then a woman with a thick Scottish accent comes in and says, "I'm looking for something new in a dildo." Looking behind the clerk on the counter she adds, "and I'm very partial to plaid."

The boss comes back a while later and says," So how did it go?"he asks.

"Just fine, I think," says the clerk. "I sold a black woman a white dildo for $29.95, a white woman a black dildo for $39.95 and I got fifty bucks for your thermos."