AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Joke Thread

LOL! I am going to have to remember that one so I can tell it to my mom. She just loves thermos jokes...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in San Pedro. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,"That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

:rolleyes:

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha........

aaaahhhhhhh, the secret to a happy marriage.

pls email this to chooch, he has other ideas about marriage on another thread!

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband,
"It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him died at the scene.

omigosh that is funny! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO damn funny!

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
Washington,DC. the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I
cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same
age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"



"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all
catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of
them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab
'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the
shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a
briefcase.

Pirate walks into a pub with a steering wheel in his pants. The barman says "Hey, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says, "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"

Sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $ 1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, the husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out: "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business."
-----------------------------------------
I am not sure what happened next, but thank goodness there were no baby skunks close by.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Please take the shooters back; let's have water.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have zero coordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to have sex with you, but I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.
l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure it's just because he knows her or something.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed, as I could never have a really good night's sleep in that hedge.