Our story so far. . .
CHAPTER ONE
Once upon a time there was a dope-filled backpack sitting on a porch just kicking it when all of a sudden, the police came and arrested [deacon] and sent [him] packing to Hattieville prison where upon they threw away the key for dealing---what a dope. When the police [officer] examined the backpack, he found it filled with soap powder and the dope was the one carrying the backpack. Or, so he thought. . . The Chief discovered the back pack wasn't in fact filled with soap but dope . . . so the Chief. . . quickly went to Fido's to think over a huge plate of Ceviche and a Belikin. Just as he was about to come to a decision on what to do about the dope . . . a frequent visitor to AC approached his table. The chief tried not to acknowledge him, but . . . the visitor yelled out. "A ROUND OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE." But by this time one of the patrons . . . streaked through the bar and dove into the ocean. [The] only problem was it was low tide so when he stood up . . . he exposed . . . the backpack of dope he grabbed from the chief that was now soaked. He looked around for his awaiting getaway boat but noticed . . . that Bad Peter and (Good) Charley were sitting by the water, staring pensively out to sea. On the horizon [they saw] a tiny . . . ship on a "three hour tour." At that moment . . . Ginger and Maryann yelled, "OMG not him again."
By that time, the Chief had decided to impound the backpack of dope at the station and to complete a police report immediately. On board the ship, the Professor wisely suggested docking the ship in AC. The Captain agreed and decided to meet his good buddy, Captain Jeff, at the . . . Love Shack. However, the lights were not working because . . . there was another #$%& power outtage. . . . So being in the dark, Capt Jeff suggested they burn the backpack so they could see. . . . An hour had gone by and the backpack was still burning. Lights were now but . . . an irrelevant factor, because the captains were very well lit.
Surprisingly, they decided to . . . go to Pedro's Inn and . . . pose as Jehovah's Witnesses. When they knocked on the door . . . they flashed Moma, then Papa came in and . . . asked if the new fantastic bartender was the Tart from Pedro's or Michelle Williams traveling under the . . . witness protection program, that is now . . . in effect in San Pedro. This is a special witness protection plan that is dedicated to protecting . . . women and children from Bad Peter, . . . and most of the people who post on the board. Financially, it provides . . . all the funds necessary for a lifetime supply of tasty sacred cow hamburgers and pizza with good non-Mennonite cheese. But the protected special witnesses are expected to provide their own . . . birth-control devices available from the at least 15 island pharmacies in the unlikely event... that the tourist's backpack gets... taken from an open balcony, emptied of all protective devices and inadvertently used as a parachute pack. The 15 pharmacies also have for purchase . . . Lawyers to bail you out if you get caught . . . selling conch shells to tourists as that sport has now been officially outlawed, so that means . . . that you will need a lawyer if you sell conch shells illegally to tourists or dress up to impersonate a Jehovah's witness, but if there were not bad people, there would be no good lawyers. . . . And then . . . you will also need to purchase a lawyer if you are arrested trespassing on Scubalady's property, hiring divemasters away from their original employers, or berating Capt. Jeff on the message board.
On the other hand, Capt. Jeff might need a lawyer if . . . HE CATCHES UP WITH OBTUSE AND . . . squashes him into a conch shell, like E is going to . . . steal that hat, and run . . . to Jesse's house, make peace and promise to . . . read San Pedro Daily, every other . . . day, and on alternate days to teach a creative writing class. Attendees at the class will be expected to . . . interview KZK on how to survive on AC with a mgmt/finance degree and no job while . . . eating & drinking out on a frequent basis, making multiple return trips to the U.S. and . . . swilling a lot of beer and contemplating . . . "what did happen to Capt Jeff?" . . . "did he bail me out or did I break out . . . what happened to that back pack . . ." . . ."Oh yeah . . " "Hey, buddy. . . hey, I know you!! . . .
[Meanwhile] we ponder whether or not Kristykins cousin's breasts are real or . . . is her uncle a plastic surgeon, at . . . the Klcmn T & A Research Center, where while she was there she . . . entered the wet T shirt contest, and lost to . . . Bad Peter. Led by Tim, [they] decided to pay a visit to BCs and ran into . . . Teenah and her sister, Carla NuCaye, drinking . . . and plotting against . . . el diablo, formally known as . . . John Payne . . . [or] SIN. . . . and John had one drink and evolved into . . . a mime . . . to never speak again . . . until the hand gestures and body language told the real story of . . . the streaker standing in the ocean . . . [who] jumped off the new bridge and got . . . saved by a beautiful streaker woman. . . aka 90lb gringo . . .and they all lived happily ever after. . .
Until next week's chapter . . . when deacon's real identity is revealed to be Richard Hatch, . . . and [he] will know what real survival is all about when Bubba in prison asks him to . . . "read me a story" . . . and [there is] background music of dueling . . . [while everyone else] decided to go fishing.
CHAPTER TWO
As it turned out Denny found the smoking backpack on the steps in back of Fido's still half full and . . . a note to "screw's gal" concerning the whereabouts of screw, ralston and stevewich. So she took the backpack to . . . Sir Isaac Newton and he published the note in . . . The Casper Star Tribune, which was the wrong paper. How, now, will we ever find screw and the boyz? A smoke signal was sent from Casper Mtn. by me and some Arapahoe friends that said . . . "Will the real EL DIABLO please come forward!!"
And so people started calling into the Casper Star Tribune instead of calling . . . the FBI . . . or CIA . . . or the nude lesbian tourists. Instead they call . . . KLC Dude and he tells them to take . . . lots of pictures using the tips they learned in the classes in Maine. He requests that they also . . . utilize skydiving lessons if its offered and . . . only by a certified skydiver or at least by a . . .
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