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Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and
went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5
minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on
man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He
ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a pig with a badge. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on
for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I
try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important at my age.

that was funny!

We all can relate to this!! This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee (now I know why they record these conversations):



Employee "Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Employee "What sort of trouble?"

Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Employee "Went away?"

Customer "They disappeared."

Employee "Hmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer "Nothing."

Employee "Nothing?"

Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Employee "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer "How do I tell?"

Employee "Can you see the 'C: prompt on the screen?"

Customer "What is a sea prompt?"

Employee "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Customer "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Employee "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer "What's a monitor?"

Employee "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer "I don't know."

Employee "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer "Yes, I think so."

Employee "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer "Yes, it is."

Employee "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it or just one?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer "Okay, here it is."

Employee "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer "I can't reach."

Employee "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

Employee "Dark?"

Customer "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Employee "Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer "I can't."

Employee "No? Why not?"

Customer "Because there's a power failure."

Employee "A power.......a power failure? ... Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Employee "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer "Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

I can't stop laughing. Now I'm crying! This was the best. Keep them coming.

It was a foggy night in Seattle and a helicopter was lost in the city. Running low on fuel the pilot pulled up to a tall office building Looking into the window he saw a man alone in his office and called out to him:

"Where am I?"

"You are in a helicopter" the man responded.

"Thank you." the pilot responded.

The pilot immediately rose above the building and took a left. Moments later he and his passengers were all safely on the ground. One of the passengers asked:

"How did that guy in the office possibly help you determine out location?"

"Well", replied the pilot, "His answer was 100% accurate and 100% useless. At that point I knew we were outside the Microsoft Help Desk and just took a left to the airport."

Subject: 10 thoughts to ponder for 2006

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and he or she won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 -
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among
the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where the terrorists are. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of homeland security.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars
were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the
mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for New Year's Cheer
and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
four or five times."

You guys brought tears to my eye. Keep them coming. This is the best things i have read on this board yet!!!

Why Older Chicks Rule - by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".



This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are
turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their
50's...AND
60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!



Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are
just a few reasons why:



A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.



If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's
usually something more interesting.



A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of
40
give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.



Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,
if
you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they
can
get away with it.



Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance
to
introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will
often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy
with
other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to
her
friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.



Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
a
woman over 40. They always know.



A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true
of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40
is
far sexier than her younger counterpart.



Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you
are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder
where you stand with her.



Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow
pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.



Ladies, I apologize.



For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was very difficult decision.
After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the
same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.
The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love, Cuddle Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.