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Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked.

"Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing. You're just like Frank "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time." like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman "

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f...ing widow."

lol!!!!! that's brilliant

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then
Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them intereste d enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

>>>>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, a g e 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

Thanks Denny..I needed that!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Sensible Observations
>1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
>peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
>passengers in his car."
>--Author Unknown
>2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
>get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
>"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
>--Author Unknown
>3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
>There's a support group for that.
>It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
>--Drew Carey
>4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
>not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
>doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
>drop them off at the wrong house."
>--Jeff Foxworthy
>5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
>and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
>infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
>--Dave Barry
>6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
>we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
>wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
>There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
>you, they should have to find you a temp."
>--Bob Ettinger
>7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
>her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
>'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
>--Paula Poundstone
>8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
>better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
>authors of that study: "Duh."
>--Conan O'Brien
>9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
>halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
>I could be eating a slow learner."
>--Lynda Montgomery
>10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
>people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
>and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
>Let's go west.'"
>--Richard Jeni
>11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
>impersonators would be dead."
>--Johnny Carson
>12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
>--Paul Rodriguez
>13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
>but they turned sixty and that's the law."
>--Jerry Seinfeld
>14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
>case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
>from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
>What, do tall people burn slower?"
>--Warren Hutcherson
>15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
>Monogamy is the same."
>--Oscar Wilde
>16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
>member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
>At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
>and the dog will give you a look that says,
>'My God, you're right!
>I never would've thought of that!'"
>--Dave Barry
>
>
>19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
>Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
>--Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
>20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
>I believe I'll have another beer."
>- W. C. Fields
>And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English
>*******************************************************************

Be ready to feel stupid ...

http://moronland.net/moronia/moron/1077/

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


" Ralph , for the FIFTH Frigging time, CHICKEN!"

Was born ready, O!