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A Marine died and was at the Pearly Gate, St Peter looked his name up in the Book. St Peter said " You have led a pretty rough life, son and Im going to send you to Hell". The Marine ask "is it really bad there?" St Peter replied " Do you like to smoke? Sure, Im a Marine, well each Monday you can smoke all you wish. Do you like beer? Sure Im a Marine. On Tuesdays you can drink all the beer you wish. Do you like women? Sure, Im a Marine. Well on Wednesdays you can have all the pretty women you wish. Do you like to fight? Sure, Im a Marine. Thursdays you can fight all you wish. Are you gay? Of course NOT, Im a Marine. Well, you aint gonna like Fridays !

3 LITTLE PIGS IN S.P.
3 little pigs were having their first dinner in S.P.
The waiter comes by for a drink order, the first little pig orders a coke, 2nd little pig orders a fanta orange and the third little pig orders Belikin beer and lots of it!

Now the waiter comes back for their dinner order, the first little pig orders stew chicken, the second little pig orders lobster salad and the third little pig orders Belikin beer and lots of it!

The waiter comes by a little later for the Desert order, the first little pig orders key lime pie, the second little pig orders coconut ice cream and the third little pig orders Belkin beer and lots of it!

The waiter asks the third little pig why he has ordered so much Belkin beer and no food?

Third little pig replies " Someones got to go wee wee wee all the way home "

Don't drink all the beer & rum!! J dog & windyw only 20 more sleeps!

Funny one JDog! Guess I'm the Third little pig! lol Only 15 more sleeps for us then Belikin bottoms up. See ya there!

How many Buckeyes does it take to change a flat tire?
One if it's just a regular flat, the whole team if it's a BLOWOUT!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.When the husband
returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then
slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned Air fresheners
were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move.A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and
eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.Finally,
they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new
place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the
saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed
her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price
that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were
to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his
lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend
stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

25. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
24. Having s*x in a twin bed is absolutely out of the question.
23. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
22. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
21. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
20. You watch the Weather Channel.
19. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and break up."
18. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
17. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
16. You're the one calling the police because those %& @# kids next
Door won't turn down the %& @# stereo.
15. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
14. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
10. You take "naps".
9. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 A.M. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh#@."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "What the hell happened?"

And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget...."

midget....kinda like NUTS....always funny.

Monika walks into her local dry cleaning establishment, " I have another dress for you to clean - she says -
The elderly proprietor - somewhat deaf - says "come again"?
Monika, slightly annoyed says "no mustard".

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Thoughts on commitment:

The commitment problem has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is MUCH more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust, but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper acrosss the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of non-readiness.