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he he he he

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No boobs Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH


1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay


And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

LAID OFF IN KENTUCKY

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY CLOTHING FACTORY AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER" AND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED,
AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. "I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS...... "DIESEL
FITTER"....!!!!

One for the ladies..........

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat - shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"


"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"


He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said -"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said -"That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN -
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain.
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles."
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.
"No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No" said the patient "I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."
"It doesn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

A middle-aged man was on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you
get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row
boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south
side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place ," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't
take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise
bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ", he
swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!!"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,flower
in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><> <>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep Reading

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
(I can relate . . )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke
to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'
" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and finally

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Pittsburgh , he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then a sked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

She should have practiced a little-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ehg5aNM030w

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.