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Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their
carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall,
with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and
she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no
bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for
yours."

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give stuff up and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cuz you're ugly.

I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my
email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for
months.


Please, keep it going!





To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President
of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing
list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.


1.Bill
2.Chelesa
3.

Life and Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. ."

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Good one KC...lol!

> The Bathtub Test
>
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
>
>
>
> During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
The criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
>
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

> "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
> bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
>
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
>
>
> DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, he picked up
a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus
is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard
nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined
his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did
you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the
parrot confessed,then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in
the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that
would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Do It Yourself

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?

"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."