AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

Personally, I believe that before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

I don't know if this is over the line (let me know if it is) but I thought it was REALLY funny....

http://www.budinsider.com/2007/budtv/video.aspx

I thought it was pretty [#%!] funny, but I think everything is Funny.

Thanks elbert, I forgot how to spell [#%!] (thought it was [%*#])!

Think I posted this before..you gotta at least smile!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9T7beIAo3I

this one's for you CJ

Yep that make me laugh

Has anyone seen Herman?

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.




Best Law Enforcement:

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."



How to properly place new employees:

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:


a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


Lawyer joke….

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the
other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

The guy's just trying to help!!!! The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was Somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me; a faithful wife and the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied : "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?""

A True Story!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate
the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,
and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US
scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

Don't Mess with the Parrot

One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked," Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. " Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"



God replied: "Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you."
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