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Rather like the small boy who commented that it was lucky Stonehenge had been built so close to a road.

But what did Jimmy reply?

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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snicker....

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Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy's face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

LOL.....

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't
use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss
or non-loss of intelligence.

There are only 5 questions, so don't get all excited and confused yet.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces between the question and answers below are there are so
you don't see the correct answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," maybe you should give up now
and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread,
go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," maybe you shouldn't
even attempt to answer the next question. Your brain is apparently
over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as
Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall , Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the
flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the
plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're in real bad shape and for your own
sake you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed
to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales In London, 17 people get on the bus;
InReading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people
get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and
five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus
driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? Or have you forgotten it was YOU
driving the BUS!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Guess whut ? I flunked all 5 Woe is me.