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baby cows drink milk...

I may be old But my mind still functions I got all 5 correct.

You'd be amazed how many people give the wrong answer to "who wrote Beethoven's 5th symphony?". It's a standard question in a test designed to weed out job applicants.

Remember the old "Who's burried in Grants Tomb?

Its all attitude
I know a 70 year old woman that still dives the Blue Hole

Pitfalls of translation in the diplomatic world:-

An Australian envoy tried to tell his French audience that as he looked back on his career, it was divided in two parts. But his French sparked unintended laughter: "When I look at my backside, I find it is divided into two parts."

A diplomat recalled a speech he gave on a visit to Palembang shortly after he had arrived on a posting in Indonesia:-
"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of my wife and myself, I want to say how delighted we are to be in Palembang," he said in English.

The interpreter said something entirely different. "Ladies and gentlemen, on top of my wife, I am delighted to be in Palembang."

The former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke left his Japanese audience bewildered when he used the Australian colloquial phrase "I am not here to play funny buggers" to dismiss a trivial question.

"For Japanese interpreters, however, this was a real problem. They went into a huddle to consult on the best way to render 'funny buggers' into Japanese," Mr Woolcott wrote.

The interpreters told him they had then told the audience: "I am not here to play laughing homosexuals with you".

Australia's Labour Party leader Kevin Rudd, now a master of Mandarin, struggled with the language as a young diplomat in 1984 when he interpreted his ambassador's speech on the close relationship between Australia and China.

"Australia and China are enjoying simultaneous orgasms in their relationship," Mr Woolcott quoted Rudd as telling the audience in Mandarin.

MY BLONDE DAUGHTER WILL HATE ME BUT . . .

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED HOW 2 WOMEN WHO HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE CAN BECOME INSTANT ALLIES WHEN PICKING ON US MEN FOLK?

MY WIFE AND I WERE ON A CRUISE 2 YEARS AGO, AND WE HAD A DAY IN PHILLIPSBURG, ST MAARTEN. WE WERE DOING THE TOURIST THING CHECKING OUT THE SHOPS, AND FOUND A WONDERFUL STORE FULL OF EXQUISITE WOOD CARVINGS..

THE YOUNG LADY IN THE STORE SHOWED US ONE PARTICULARLY BEAUTIFUL PIECE THAT SHE BEGAN TO DESCRIBE FOR US….

"THIS IS WOMAN OF THE WORLD…….SHE IS LOVING, HARD WORKING AND FAITHFUL, BLESSED WITH WISDOM, GRACE AND PATIENCE"

ALL THIS SOUNDED GREAT TO ME, BUT WHEN I ASKED IF SHE TOOK TRADE INS, THE 2 OF THEM CHASED ME FROM THE STORE!!!

Smells for the day

When I read this today I thought it may help clear a few things up. Also gives a good excuse for making a stinky ha ha.

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from.

While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP (Member of Parliament) is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met
by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to,
but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the Member of
Parliament.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they had
while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises to
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He
sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning......
Today you voted'.




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