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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,781
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A man goes out and buys the best car available anywhere, a 2008 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2008 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders, "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
I can never remember which is better . . . safe? . . . or sorry?
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 45
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LOL....Chuckle chuckle...Too funny!
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 316
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A Saint's Spelling Bee
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 316
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During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. Try as she might, she couldn't get it to run. After trying fruitlessly for over three days, she decided to seek help.
She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that somThe Young Blonde and the Sea
eone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat.
So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems, and there he found one. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer. 
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 991
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UPS Aircraft Maintenance
"Gripe Sheets"
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
: Something loose in cockpit
: Something tightened in cockpit
: Dead bugs on windshield.
: Live bugs on back-order.
: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
: Evidence removed.
: DME volume unbelievably loud.
: DME volume set to more believable level.
: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
: That's what friction locks are for.
: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
: Suspected crack in windshield.
: Suspect you're right.
: Number 3 engine missing.
: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
. Aircraft handles funny.
: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
: Target radar hums.
: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
: Mouse in cockpit.
: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
: Took hammer away from midget
Live so that when you arise in the A.M, Satan shudders & says..
'Oh sh t..she's awake!'
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 13,675
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Scenario : Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look a Jack's rifle,
goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake
hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail,
nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.
Sits still in class
2007 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School
gets extra
money from state because Jason has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives
him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state
psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad
goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
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Joined: May 2000
Posts: 7,058
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OP
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Hey Elbert - this is called SMILES for the Day. Not roll up the sidewalks and stay at home.
Come on, you can do better than that!
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,563
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I thought it was pretty funny!
Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 13,675
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I've never been good at telling jokes,...but you knew that
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,429
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Scenario: young dogmatic prevaricator takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1956 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Young dogmatic charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, parents and grand pappy prevaricator goes on a terror watch list and are never allowed to fly again.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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