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Understanding Women
A mans perspective
I know I will never understand women.
I will never understand how they can take hot wax abd pour it over their upper thighs,rip the hair out by the roots,
and still be afraid of a spider.

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication,
My wife and I listened to the instructor who said it is important that you know the likes and dislikes of your partner.
He turned to me and ask Carl what is your wifes favorite flower?
this was easy I said Pillsbury.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for
answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a
praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the
pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were
able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else
had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife,
ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!

a young blonde woman decided to go ice fishing on the lake.
she gathered up all her gear, got out the ice auger and began to drill a hole in the ice.
just then a booming voice came from above,,"there's no fish there'.
confused, she got her stuff and moved to a different part of the lake and began drilling. "there's no fish there'. angain,, the booming voice.
she moved off in the other direction to try again. as she began to drill, "there's no fish in the lake!"
she put down her auger, looked to the sky, and aksed,,"God,, is that you?"
"NO,, I'M THE ICE RINK MANAGER"

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two
semifinalists---
A Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.
They were given a word,then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!
No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin we went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available
source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F).
For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion
is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as
the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.
But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza!

Amanda - I laughed and laughed - thank you

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push!'

'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain
outside!'

His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello. Are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing!' replies the drunk

they had only been married for a few months when on one payday, the new husband failed to come home. it was Sunday evening when he finally stumbled through the door.
he ws soon greeted by his not so pleased wife.
"where in thee hell have you been?"
"i was out for a few drinks with the boys."
"you have been gone since Friday. how would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 days?"
still a bit drunk and not quit thinking clear, he responds,"fine".
sure enough, by Tuesday morning, the left eye was still swollen shut, but he could open the right eye just enough to make out her outline!

A boat docked at a tiny Belizean Island. An
American tourist complimented the San Pedrano fisherman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took him to catch them.


'Not very long,' answered the San Pedrano.



'But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch
more?' asked the American.


The San Pedrano explained that his small catch was
sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.


The American asked, 'But what do you do with the
rest of your time?'


'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the
town to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few
songs. I have a full life.'


The American interrupted, 'I have an MBA from
Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a
bigger boat.'


'And after that?' asked the San Pedrano.



'With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire
fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own
plant. You can then leave this little Island and move to Miami, Los
Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new
enterprise.'


'How long would that take?' asked the San Pedrano.



'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied the
American.


'And after that?'


'Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets
really interesting,' answered the American, laughing. 'When your business gets
really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!'



'Millions? Really? And after that?' asked the
San Pedrano.


'After that you'll be able to retire, live on a
tiny Island near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few
fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and
enjoying your friends.'


And the moral of this story is: ......... Know
where you're going in life... you may already be there.

Here's a little something for those of us in our 50's!!!!



It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba --- Denture Queen.


Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:


Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.