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"And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products."
Theres a pork chop in every bottle of Belikin...

just look at me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

So you're a vegetarian???

*A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. **

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror her husband pulled into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'
 
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
 
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
 
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
 
Another runner moved along side.
 
'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
 
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
 
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
 
'Nope.........just when it's raining'.

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"   

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

*CAUTION* could be edited!

a man goes to the senior home to visit his 80 year old mom. when he finds the head nurse she begins to explain that she is glad he is here as 'mom' has been causing some trouble.
"what is she doing?" he asks.
"go down the hall to the lunch room and see for your self".
he walks down the hall and as he enters the lunch room he see's his mother. she is wearing her usual moo-moo and pink slippers.
she is going to each table that has old men sitting at it, lifting her moo-moo and saying "SUPERPUSSY". she does this in front of each man. he is watching her as she finds a table with only one senior man at it. she hobbles up to him, lifts her moo-moo and hollars "SUPERPUSSY".
the old man scratches his chin and says, "i'll have the soup please".

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She is such a bitch...

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

BiIl, you're gonna be in the corner for the next several weeks!

only 2 Leah-Ann, I'll be in SP after that.