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A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat
and drink Beer all day.

You know you have met a Country Bumpkin if:
His wife owns a home made Fur.
Him and his Dog use the same tree.
Her Idea of talking during sex is"there aint no cars coming baby".
He thinks Dom Perignon is a Mafia Leader.
Jack Daniels is on his list of most admired people.
Going to the bathroom at night requires boots and a flash light.
His house doesnt have curtains but his truck does.
He thinks loading the dish washer is taking his wife out and getting her drunk.

Before anyone becomes insulted I to came from the Hills and was like this before I became Edge I cated

1000 words
http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/elbertgreer/PhotoShopexersize.jpg

I always thought cats had a good sense of humor.

The "Terminal" condition


Women are so insensitive

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his pending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning .... you don't."

For the oldies but goodies of us.

New lyrics for boomers

It was fun being a baby boomer, until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate
baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a
Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a
Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot
Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to
the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba --- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling
If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson- -- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry
If I Want To

Wow, this one must be making the e-mail rounds! Posted 3 times in less than a month.

Oops! Missed it before and your right. It probably been around the world 3 times in less than month. I'll try to keep up.

this is an older one but maybe someone has not seen it.
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Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4
and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably
crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging
14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband
1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you
help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX


Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator
to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are
common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend
6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than
encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems,
regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command
"C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save
yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling
4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support