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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look toward sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto replies, "You dumber than buffalo shit - It mean someone steal tent."

Subject: Who's yo Daddy????





The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

(Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you & I are all paying taxes to support these dim wits !!!!!!!!!!!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love with you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Ouch !

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response; knowing he
would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'....and where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this)

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

Don't know the source of this unofficial drought information, but:

It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry.

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns


Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married
for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went
into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found
her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing
him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked
him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that
he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Susie Fox


--------------------
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the
inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Ted

Things that can only be said on Thanksgiving!

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

good one,, and i have used/heard them all!!