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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to
the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk ...

Naturally.. I assumed you had stolen the car."

[size:14pt]>
> A woman goes to her boyfriend's
> parents' house for Christmas dinner.
>
> This is to be her first time meeting
> the family and she is very nervous.
> They all sit down and begin eating a
> fine meal.
>
> The woman is beginning to feel a
> little discomfort, due to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
> The gas pains are almost making her
> eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a
> bit and lets out a dainty fart.
>
> It wasn't loud, but everyone at the
> table heard the poof.
> Before she even had a chance to be
> embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
> snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
> 'Skippy!'.
>
> The woman thought, 'This is great!'
> and a big smile came across her face.
> A couple of minutes later, she was
> beginning to feel the pain again.
> This time, she didn't even hesitate.
> She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
>
> The father again looked at the dog
> and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
>
> Once again the woman smiled and
> thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
> This time she didn't even think
> about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
>
> Once again, the father looked at the
> dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before
> she shits on you!' [/size]

(I'm gonna get broiled for this one....)

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages
1. English I Love You
2. Spanish Te Amo
3. French Je T'aime
4. German lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
6. Thai Phom rak khun
7. Italian Ti amo
8. Chinese Wo Ai Ni
9. Swedish Jag Alskar
10. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina. Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida
Nice Ass , Get in the truck

Building a fire. . . . . . . .

when the country of Canada first became a country, they needed a name. the powers that be decide to put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, draw out the letters, and that would be the new countries name.
an R.C.M.P. stepped up and offered his hat. they put the letters in and let the R.C.M.P. draw them out.
he began to draw,, first letter "C, eh",, "N eh",, "D eh"...
and thus a country was named!

getting hotter all the time!!

oh what the hell,, since the fires are lit,,,

a friend visiting from Colorado went to the local tavern with us and was somewhat interested in my neighbor sitting across the bar. i told her she should go over and strike up a conversation with him.
she decided she would give that a try.
she went over and was talking to him but came back in just a couple minutes. she was disappointed about the outcome and i asked her why. she said the guy doesn;t speak English.
i knew better so i asked what was said.
she told me she asked him where he was from. and he replied,
"Saskatoon Saskatchewan eh"

what's that smell? sometin burning??

Hahahaha!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass at the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

Canada?.....is that the place with the Eskimos?

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man" he said to her. "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much better at estate planning than men.