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Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when
Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"


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Congratulations on your wedding
day!

Too bad no one likes your
husband.


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How could two people as
beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love..

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


--------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought
Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I
met you.

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As the days go by, I think of
how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it
for me.


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Congratulations on your
promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this
knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


************************************************************************
********
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad !

(Available only in Tennessee ,
Kentucky , West Virginia & of course Hope Valley )

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Happy birthday! You look great
for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for
me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your
promise.

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We have been friends for a very
long time ..

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================
Congratulations on your new
bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the
father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your
birthday.

So we're having you put to
sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

U.C.L.A. STUDY


A study conducted by UCLA's department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It was discovered that if the female is Ovulating, she is attracted to
males with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is Menstruating, or Menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.


No further studies are expected!

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody w ith whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

Riiinnnnngggggg Riiinnngggggggg.....

'Hello?'

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy,That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?' He asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.......

FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit j uice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around a nd frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Bubba Smith from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup an d come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and
is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-(

Well, how about some ' BUTT ICONS?'

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

~:>
bird

This is so cute. Hope you can get it.

http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html

Wasn't over my head .