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Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.. "Since Valentine's Day is for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"

Susie's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

Her father asks in shock, "why Osama Bin Laden?"

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit And if other kids
saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And
then, he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved
them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride...."Susie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Susie says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the s**t out of him."

SEMPER FI !!!

A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

"One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 1 and a half years old.. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! )



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We

turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.



We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't

want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The

cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the

night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I

said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I

had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried

to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in

a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her

fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"



The cab driver hit a parked car.

The correct word is:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

LITTLE MARK ON MATH

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*job."



LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

" My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'"





LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."


Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business.

I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!