AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

Thats a winner, Simon!!

TOP TEN COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS

10. I hate every bone in her body but mine

9. I ain't never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I woke up
with a few

8. If the phone don't ring. you'll know it's me.

7. I've missed you but my aim's improvin'.

6. Wouldn't take her to a dog fight 'cause I'm scared she'd win.

5. I'm so miserable without you it's like you're still here.

4. My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him.

3. She took my ring and gave me the finger.

2. She's lookin' better with every beer.

And the number one country and wester song is...
1. It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed my ass out
all day long.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except
one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches"

And one of our children's favorites.

THE CAT IN THE HAT (on aging).

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass.

To late for St. Patty's Day, so save this to next year, but can be used any time you need through out the year!

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
---------------------------------------
Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
-----------------------------------------------------------
Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer
--------------------------------------------------
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to the bar
--------------------------------------------------------
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward

See above
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
----------------------------------------------------------
Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer
----------------------------------------------------------
Floor moving
You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar
-----------------------------------------------------------
Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
-------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him
----------------------------------------------------------------
People are standing around urinals, talking

You're NOT in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)
------------------------------------------------------------
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
-------------------------------------------------------------
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer
------------------------------------------------------------
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
---------------------------------------------------------------
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
--------------------------------------------------------------
Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves
---------------------------------------------------------------
Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right

Play air guitar

--------------------------------------------------------------

Most Wanted

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

A guy comes up to Alaska from the lower 48 to do some gold prospecting. He walks into a bar and proclaims that he is the meanest, toughest, roughest guy in Alaska.
The people in the bar just start to laugh.
The bartender tells the man that he has to prove it for them to believe him.
He tells the man that he must complete three tasks to prove it
1) He has to gulp down a Keg of beer
2) He has to wrestle a grizzly bear
3) He has to rape 83 year old Hatty who lives in town

The Guy picks up the beer gulps it all down , turns and runs out of the bar.
he is gone for 2 days, when he shows up his clothes are all torn to shreds, one of his ears is hanging near off, and he has scratches on his face, neck, arms and chest.
he hollers to everyone in the bar.

" Now Where Is this gal I gotta fight"

A lady wakes up one morning and looks into the mirror.
"AARRRGGGHHH!" she gasps! Immediatley she phones her doctor for an appointment.
When she gets to his office he asks her what the problem is.

"Doc", she says. "I woke up this morning with wrinkles everywhere, a pasty corpse like look, bags under my eyelids, veins showing through my skin, liver spots and really dry split end hair!"

"Well", the doctor said. "I'll tell you one thing right now, ma'am"

"What is it doc?" she cried.

"Your eyesight is perfect".

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her
what it is!'