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You are just asking for it, Pug!! I've never seen such a masochistic streak in a nominally intelligent male!!

One fine spring day a blind man with a seeing eye dog enters a J.C.Pennys store. The floor
manager sees this and watches in fascination. "How" he wonders, "does that dog know what the man
might want to "look at"?" Man and dog make their way to the center of the store,whereupon the
blind man picks up the dog by the guide harness and swings him around and around over his head.
"HOLY SHIT!" yells the floor manager and rushes over. "Sir! Sir! There's no need for that! I'm the
floor manager! May I help you?" The blind man places the guide dog gently back on the floor and says
"Nah.--------I'm just looking around."

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while
listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8
to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.'

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get
through.'

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 i nches of snow today. You must
park......',then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very
upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, 'Honey, I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
plow can get through?'

With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men
who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, 'Why don't you just leave
it in the garage this time

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Ah man, y'all are funny! Thanks, LA! Miss you!!! xo

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

and to think, Simon's in the food delivery business!!