AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Groan!

double GROAN!!!!!!!!

OK, here's one to pay for the time I've spent at work reading instead of working!
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2AM. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

lol

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- -----------------------------------
-----------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go..

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

**************************************************************************
******

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky , West Virginia & South Dakota )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Little Johnny wakes one late night to hear his parents in the next bedroom making strange noises. He goes next door to find Mommy and Daddy making love. Daddy walks him back to his room and explains what he saw was normal and natural and not to ever worry about it again...Tucks his little man back in bed and says "don't make a big deal about it go back to sleep"....Weeks later Grandma is visiting and Dad hears noises coming from her room late...Dad wanders down the hall to find Little Johnny on top of Grandma doing "the unthinkable". Dad's eyes are as big as saucers when Little Johnny says "Not so funny when it is "your" mom is it Dad!!! :-)

lines, people, lines!!! some just shouldn't be crossed!

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'