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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
"You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean... ...."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in
a hole when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat!"

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery .'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a
good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

I'M NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR, EVER!!!

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm
not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling
around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and
said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a
boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is
going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote!!

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; and the head and the ass are interchangeable. "

note on the fridge door,,,

"The Gyno College phoned. They said your Pabst Beer was normal?
I didn't know you drank beer?"

Affairs:

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

"You're lying.

You've been playing golf!"


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--------
The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about
having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed

to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the
ugliest child he
had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two

beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, " Not this time!"
_______________________________

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't
allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be
saved for posterity."


So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it
home.


"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his
wife, opening

his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
__________________________________

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I
liked it
so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for
two days
at the Smith's and nobody offered me a thing."
___________________________________





The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.


"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy
steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


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--------


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison
work."

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee!

Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

*THIS IS NOT A HOAX*. This is happening to women everywhere every night. *WARN YOUR FRIENDS!*
*P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up from the floor.
Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. 'Dear, Dad," the letter said. "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.