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So was that $1 US or $1 bze, cause if Jesse ever bans me, I need to know where to start?

Do you have trash Cans by your house Jesse???

A man, returning home a day early from a business
trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after
midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the
cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband
switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in
bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The
wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season
Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at
the lake. He paid for our country club membership,
and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket
before he catches a cold.

Don't know about anyone else but, I've come close to it at least once in my
lifetime.



= = = = = = = = = = =



I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely
going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat
it again the next day, both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement #2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into the isle.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.



I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was
to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then it
made me laugh. Mistake.



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.



Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.



Once finished, I left the rest room, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take
care of the problem."



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran
off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they 're going to have to repaint the
store.

As Cheech so aptly put it in 'Up In Smoke' . . . "Cheeks together - cheecks together!"

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NR reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the National Review, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson, and I am a Democrat." The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The National Review to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

A woman from Austin , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis , Texas . There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendour of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


!! BLESS TEXAS

Last one.
Bye

So are they real trash cans Jesse, or did you cut and paste a picture of someone elses trash cans?

Stop smiling right this minnit!!!