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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would
have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the
station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that
she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the
patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.

As she was pouring
the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across
the street. One of them turned to the other and said

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'

LOL Laurie. Since I don't like putting my name out there in the WWW, I put Ernie's instead!

Yep, that's him!

Nova, too funny. E, where are you - come and see your new license to drive!

LIVING WILL FORM:

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers, doctors and hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a single malt scotch ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Belikin ________a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate or ______Sex, then it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!

KCJ, I'm prining it, fill it in, notarizing it and mailing it to the kids!!

STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.


The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."


The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I¹ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."


The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ³Dammit! Third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...


Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.





MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?





CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)





WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."





WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!





WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"





The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Men are just simpler and happier people

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a hus band.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY FROM ALL THIS
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it, and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:

'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

I put drops in her eyes.'