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On vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to Heaven, and if I'd like to call it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.


Throughout Italy I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.


I finished my tour in Ireland. I decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN 25 cents."

"Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"


The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call."

Redneck IQ Test

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in Arkansas vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a whole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...




Next time you are in a bar and too drunk to drive, call the closest pizza shop and place an order for a delivery to your home. Then walk to the pizza shop, and, when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

Coming from a long line of Rednecks, I like to keep up on the latest. I hear that in response to the popularity of the Survivor series, there is a new Redneck version underway. The contestants will drive through Texas, starting in Dallas, traveling through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, on over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene and on to Ft. Worth and then back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what
he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently
in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload
'em??'

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."

THE ORIGIN OF YODELING

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
My husband asked, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," I sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Hahaha! My high school sweetheart became a priest!

Hon, just as i've always thought, only spending time with God could compare to spending time with you!

So true...bwahahaha!!!