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A Newfoundland Love Poem
(Who said Newfies weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there.

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin ya the truth,
No I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get.

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And fetch another beer.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth
70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1.) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of
the test rang, he wrote.
7.) It comes in cute containers.

He got an A

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.


What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.


If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.


I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.


Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.


To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.


On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.


My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.


The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.


We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.


My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.


My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'


'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.


I kept my mouth shut.


'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.


'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.


But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'


Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'


My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.


A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.


My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.


Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.


It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.


Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.


Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.


I can't wait until next Christmas.

OMG..Dita, thank you so much for that. I needed a chuckle and you made it happen.
That's hysterical!

Alligator Shoes..


A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida
Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for
free!" the shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why
don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch
an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he
spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water,
Gun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-
foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes,
the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the
slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip
the 'gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams
in frustration :



"SHiiT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

That made me laugh out loud and the guys at the dive shop are staring at me.

MY swedish GRANDMOTHER'S ADVICE

My grandmother died in 1965, but her birthday is coming up,
and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the store on Crawford Road,
the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand motherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the
deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said.
'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Irish voice.
"Makes your wiener look bigger."

thanks so much - I just had to passt this on to my blonde daughter - who btw - is not dumb.

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.
It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'


The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more...

this is killer....

CLICK HERE!