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Christmas Cookies

1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle One Barrel Rum

Sample the One Barrel to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the One Barrel again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the One Barrel is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the dried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a 20drewscriver. Sample the One Barrel to check
for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something . Who giveshz a sheet. Check the One Barrel. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Bon Rarrel and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MIXTMAS

Luvvee itt, hick!

HAHAHAHAHA !!!

Letter to Santa




Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.



Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

Three men, a Swede, an Irishman and a Scotsman were playing golf

with their wives.



The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball,

a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'



The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50.

Go and buy yourself some underwear.'



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up

and shows that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'



Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!'



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she,

too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta
friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any.



'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

As I walking my dog home this afternoon I saw two Scots soldiers on their way to Pedro's, in uniform. That earned them cat calls from the workers at the new Harmouche building site. I can't speak for these two particular servicemen of course, but I would have thought that wolf-whistling at a Scots soldier was a risky thing to do.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'

THE ECONOMY



DUE TO RECENT ECONOMIC CONDITIONS AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL, THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for the hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?''.

So she agrees .

Afterwards, tthe hooker turns to him and says.. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

Christmas Story - for anyone having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


,,,,,,,, And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...