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Just got off the phone with a buddy of mine. I asked him what he got for Xmas, he said "A piece of a$$ and a pair of socks, and neither one fit right".

Go to the corner !

"neither one fit right".

VT-CDN, that's enough to make a grown person break-down and cry.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to

Go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under

The mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."



"Oh", she added, "by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But,

Whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot. I

REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!"



When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he

Discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just

As she told him, the do g just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman

Go about his work.



The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant

Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain

Himself any longer and yelled,



"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike...."





Men just don't listen.

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
__________________

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A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey.. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."

Farm kid in the Marine Corps

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING CENTER)



Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are, too.Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed 'till nearly 6 a.m. But, I am getting so I like to sleep late.Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things; no hogs to slop, feed-hay to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay ready; practically nothing!

Men have to shave, but it is not so bad cause there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by a couple of city boys who live on coffee.Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. It's ok with me if he thinks so; it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as going to our mailbox at home. After that the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.They don't bother you none.

This next bit will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk's head and doesn't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys do at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable, and hit it. You don't even have to pack & load your own cartridges; they come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds, dry!

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers catch onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,

Alice

You knew this game was coming.
Aksalser Game

Electric Fence

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence! We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time.. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop & pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Thanks for sharing, Bob!!