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originally submitted for your viewing pleasure by Chikan.


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this storey chronicled in a Life time movie in the near future.
Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. [Note: keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled] I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd aniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-then-lethal-stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage, while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived , with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250lb tatooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil necked geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you are truly missing out, way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions [we don't need no stinking directions}, I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing ! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface I would get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.I did so awesome!!! sparks, a blue light of electricity, and a loud pop!! Yippeee, I'm so easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was at home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 triple-a batteries, etc, etc. There I sat on my recliner, my dog looking on intently [trusting little soul] , reading the directions [that would be me, not the dog] and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup after all. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself from a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed pretty reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
>long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
>with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
>way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What
>happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?)
>
>I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
>front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
>the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
>the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
>soaking wet,
>With my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
>was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
>face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself.
>You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
>hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
>won't dislodge one of the prongs ¼" deep in your thigh like yours
>truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
>as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had
>been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
>take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
>testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
>rather large. Miss 'em ......sure would like to get 'em back.

well 1/2 was a nice read till > and tth>en ..

2bad

Happy Inauguration


As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:

Blacks are happy; Obama was elected.
Whites are happy, OJ is in jail.
Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.
Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.
And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over!

I think 2009 will be even better:

Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama bin Laden, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace.

Then on the 7th day, He will rest.


My best wishes for 2009.............and remember:

"The government cannot give to anyone anything that it does not first take from someone else."

Jutka

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty
or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People,
for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you
should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more
about its history than you do.'


She heard a loud whisper: 'F&*k the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General
Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!
Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*&k this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, Michael 'Jackson to
the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted..

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar whispered quietly, "the Republicans, November 4th, 2008".

papshine, that was GREAT!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, 'surely I can't look that old?

Well... You'll love this one. If your not there yet just remember you will be some day.

A very nice lady relates the following:

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School? "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1965. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

Great joke Chachacocanut, but the Battle of the Little Big Horn was in Summer of 1876....I know because I'm an immigrant!

Papashine...I'm still rolling on the floor over that one.
I'm gonna send that story to all my friends....LOL

TOO funny!
Hope you find your nuts!

hahahaha

Pug! So you are assuming that Custer said those words at the battle of the Little Big Horn? what makes you so sure?

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World,
but how can I be sure?

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never
had it confirmed.'

Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes
I wonder.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek
was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the
sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told
me that I am the strongest man in the world.'


Brad Pitt walked in, with a big smile and said "It is true, it has been
confirmed that I am the hottest man alive!!'



Jennifer Lopez followed last looking baffled and said "Who the hell is DonnaR?"