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> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and
> slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just
> get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
couldn't
> believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

Oh my God, that has happened to me! While I was reading it I couldn't control my laughing.

papashine, another great one! Where in the he** do you come up with these?

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what
moderen education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol Blue how to talk!"
"That amazing!" his dad says. "How do I get Ol Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000.00," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him enrolled in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1000.00.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he say's, "But you
just won't believe this.... they've had such good results with the program that they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" say's the amazed father. "No kidding! How do we get
Blue into that program?"
"Just send $2500.00, and I"ll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad!" the boy say's, "I have some bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he always does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The flustered father exclaims, "I hope you shot the dog before he had a chance to talk to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

.....AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW THAT KID WENT ON TO BE ONE OF OUR COUNTRY'S MOST SUCCESSFUL LAWYERS, AND THEN BECAME A RESPECTED CONGRESSMAN.

Did he later take up quail (or perhaps Texas Attorney)hunting?

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
(Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their
clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be
in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate

An 80-year-old Newfie goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do
you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm a Newfoundlander and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's
why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Newfie golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi'
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and
had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Newfie and
he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Newfie golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why
would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".



She goes downstairs.



The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"



The blonde says,



"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.


The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.


The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.











Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably was more deserving to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was cancelled after one of Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you but I've got to help these people first and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. " We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"

Without missing a beat she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."