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What did the blonde pregnant women ask her Doctor?

"Are you sure it's mine"

This Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud, without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!



1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do.' 'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'

I HAD TWO TORONTO MAPLE LEAF TICKETS SITTING IN PLAIN VIEW ON MY DASH BOARD, SOME IDIOT BROKE MY WINDOW AND LEFT TWO MORE.!!

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, ta lk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'



A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shiit?'




Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'



One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'



A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.'

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get
through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I
hope this helps.

Walter

Two Woodpeckers..........



A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

A businessman got on an elevator in an office building. When he got on the elevator there was already a blonde inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters T-G-I-F.
He smiled at her and replied S-H-I-T. She looked at him puzzeled, and said T-G-I-F again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering S-H-I-T. The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, T-G-I-F. another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, S-H-I-T.
The blonde decided to explain things, and this time she said, T-G-I-F, thank god its friday, get it?

The man answered " S-H-I-T, sorry honey its thursday"

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a $5 when her
cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful complimentary slice of cheese cake from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. What did you buy?

OK Bill, where's the joke?