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Man stuffed cat inside 'bong'

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) - A man who tried to mellow out his cat by stuffing her into a homemade bong is facing criminal charges-and catcalls from animal lovers. Authorities cited a 20-year-old man on suspicion of animal cruelty Sunday after catching him smoking marijuana from a contraption that had a cat stuffed inside its 12-inch by 6-inch base.
The man told Lancaster County sheriff's deputies the 6-month-old female named Shadow had been hyper and that he was trying to calm her down.

The cat was taken to the Capital Humane Society, where she appeared to be in good condition Monday, executive director Bob Downey said.

"What the human mind doesn't invent, huh?" Downey said.

The suspect did not return voice or text messages left on his cell phone by The Associated Press.

Deputies discovered the cat trapped in the device after responding to a domestic disturbance call at a residence the suspect shares with his grandfather, Sgt. Andy Stebbing said.

Deputies resolved the dispute and left the house, but they returned minutes later after discovering there was an arrest warrant on the suspect for possession of drug paraphernalia.

Upon re-entering the house, Stebbing said, deputies saw the suspect smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to the duct-taped, plastic glass box, in which the cat had been stuffed.

"This cat was just dazed," Stebbing said. "She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society."

The suspect was cited for misdemeanor animal cruelty and taken to the Lancaster County Jail on the arrest warrant. He was released after paying a $400 fine.

Now he faces new charges for possession of marijuana and paraphernalia stemming from Sunday.

Stebbing said the animal cruelty charge could be raised to a felony if the cat dies or is found to have suffered injury.

Downey said tests would be done to determine whether the cat suffered lung damage.

"To the eye, the cat looks OK," he said. "It cowers in the back of its cage like it's a little bit afraid but, obviously, given the way it's been treated, that's not surprising to me at all."

This guy needs his head read, doesn't he realize what this practice will do to his cat food bill!

Its hard to say if my first thought was "Thats cruelty to animals" or "I wonder if he could make a 6'x3'x4' box with a remote and Twinkie storage next to the Belikin fridge"

lol at Pug....you gotta admit it's quite a step up from the old apples and coke cans of years past!

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

Mensa asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition :

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Fourth Marriage:
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.


"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"


The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."


The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?


Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"


"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.


Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.


You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband
and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and
never spoke to each other again."


"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.


"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened..."

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress aske d kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box

of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female

crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the

crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her

personally responsible for the crabs staying

frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and

proceeded to rant at her about what would

happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his

behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom

to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the

gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans

please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate

them.



Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!

How to install a home security system, if you're Redneck:

1. Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's
work boots, size 14-16 (well used).

2. Place them on the front porch along with a copy of
Gun and Ammo magazine.

3. Put a couple of BIG dog dishes next to the boots
and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba!

Big Jim, Duke, Slim and Me gone for more ammo. We'll
get back in about 1 hour. Don't mess with the pit
bulls--they got after the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part
in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all the dogs in the house.

Better just wait outside till we get back.

Cooter