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The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the
keg
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Unfortunately I'm starting to think that may be true.

There heads are bigger than their dinks. Also from the north.

Have you guys seen the new "OctoMom" breakfast?

You get a dozen eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you picks up the tab.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

Young Jake in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news... the horse died."
Jake replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Jake said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Jake said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Jake said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Jake and asked, "What happened with
that dead horse?"
Jake said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Jake said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back."
Jake grew up and now works for the government.

He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to
work.

A French doctor says Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says That's nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

A n American doctor, not to be outdone, says You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brain out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

March 31, 2009
The Canadian Press
Web edition

SARNIA, Ont. - A cardboard cutout of a coyote designed to scare off Canada geese in a southern Ontario park proved so realistic it prompted an attempted police takedown.

Sarnia city hall staff purchased a pair of the animal cutouts hoping they might help reduce goose droppings in the waterfront park and set them up last summer.

But after a few weeks the cutouts vanished.

'We just figured vandals took them,' said Terry McCallum, Sarnia's director of community services.

'You can't put up any really fancy signs in the park because they usually disappear.'

But the full story has only now emerged.

A jogger out for a run early one morning came across the coyote cutouts and was so startled she ran to a nearby construction site.

There, she told a worker a coyote had 'barked' at her and that she feared it would give chase, McCallum said.

The worker called 911 and Sarnia police were dispatched.

They arrived on the scene and quickly surrounded the coyote, only then discovering it was made of cardboard.

The police, smelling an elaborate prank, confiscated the cutouts.

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.



So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK, take off aw your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem velly bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not have sex or dates.'

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "It's when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

But doc, is there a cure for Ed Zachary Disease or Liberalism?