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Weight Loss
A guy calls a company and orders their
5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program . The next day, there's a knock on the
door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me,
you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off
after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he
finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the
door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy
woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sig n around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like
a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his
best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when
he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the
company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the
representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I
haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the
door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy
standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your
ass is mine.'

He lost 63 lbs that week.

The Official George Bush Librarium

http://www.goodnightbush.com/librarium/

I think you're the father of one of my kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm
your son's teacher.'

The evalution of teaching math in California 1950 to 2009:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,
'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway..

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your 'willy' was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology
now to build you a new 'willy' that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want..
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man..

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite counter tops.'

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi."We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on,"what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink. "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh , dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in AFGHANISTAN, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese. Only five speak English, Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders .

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest . Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

This is a recent posting on Craigs list Portland, OR

"To the woman that crapped in my car (NE Portland). We met on Craigs List
so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could possibly be
the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am
willing to look past that. I thought we had a chemistry sitting at
McMenamins sharing tht basket of Cajun Tots and drinking Terminator Stout.
I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be
intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just
happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please
don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto-Bismol the next day
and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was
meant to be funny, not offensive. I have gambled on a fart and lost on
multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. it
happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I probably win
95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100%. That's why they call
it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants.
In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand
could have been a tad better--like when you're not sitting on a heated
leather seat. What I am trying to say is that, if you want to try to go
out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can
geta meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. I
await your call.

P.S. If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early, touche.