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A conversation overheard on a military frequency:

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.


She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?



He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter', she says. I'll take it!'


As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.



'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.



She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.



The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'


He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"


The voice replied,"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

One day in the future, O. J. Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Madoff with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time. 'No, this is no good. I've got this problem with my shoulder I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . .
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

This made a big smile for me. How about you?
Susan Boyle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnmbJzH93NU

Fantastic!

Talented Ugly Person Baffles World


The success of singer Susan Boyle on the reality show Britain's Got Talent has caused both television networks and their viewers to reconsider the intrinsic value of ugly people, media experts say.

In living rooms around the world as well as in the executive suites of media giants, those exposed to the Susan Boyle phenomenon are grappling with the paradox - thought impossible up until now - that an ugly person could be talented.

In New York, NBC chief Jeff Zucker confirmed that his network was "seriously considering" lifting its official ban against featuring unattractive people on the air.

"For years, the letters NBC have stood for 'No Butt-ugly Characters,'" Mr. Zucker said. "We're beginning to re-think that."

Jenifer Genterson, a news anchor from Abilene, Texas, is just one of a chorus of beautiful TV talking heads who have been startled and inspired by the surprising presence of talent in an ugly person.

"In the TV business, we're told that beauty is everything," Ms. Genterson said. "But Susan Boyle has shown us that ugly people have the right to live, too."

But Professor David Logsdon, who studies the rare occurrences of ugly people in the media at the University of Minnesota's School of Communications, warns that the isolated example of Ms. Boyle may give ugly people around the world too much hope.

"The fact is, only one in a million ugly people will ever get on TV," said Professor Logsdon. "Most of them will wind up in academia."

When will someone speak up for us not wholly unpleasant-looking, untalented people??

Far more significant than Susan Boyle's looks is the fact that she was born with "learning difficulties" and basically was written off by society. She has overcome so much to get where she is now, and hopefully to where she'll get to shortly.

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'*