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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out
of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

To which the wife replies.........
"Only when he's been drinking."

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.'
~
'What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line'.

Ha Ha Ha Ha, no true!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKUBTX9kKEo
belongs in smiles of the day ,because it seems all so silly now.

Very funny!!!

New Wine for Seniors (or Ernie's Birthday party?)

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic..

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as









PINO MORE

.
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first.....
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
>
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your ca ll,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

=0 A As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

The Half Wit
>>
>> A man owned a small farm in South Carolina . The South Carolina Wage &
>>
>> Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and
>>
>> sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of everybody that
>> works here and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.
>>
>> "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
>> for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.
>>
>> The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00
>> per week plus free room and board. There's the half-wit.
>> He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work
>> around here.
>> He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
>> him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
>> occasionally."
>>
>> "That's the guy I want to talk to......the half-wit", says the Agent.
>>
>> "That would be me", replied the farmer.