AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

Last Nickel



A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand..

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.

Bawhahahahaha

But so true.

Two women were playing golf, one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

The Economy is so bad:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama
administration aren't paying their taxes.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned
their children's names

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting

People in Africa are donating money to Americans

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your
plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on

The Mafia is laying off judges

And finally..,

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff
scandal. Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion
disappear is being investigated by the people who made
$750 billion disappear.

Immigrant Sex

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

'Hey, how much you charge for one hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

With a heavy accent he says

'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says,
'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of
the world.

How bad could Immigrant Style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,

'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies,

'You send bill to Government.'

Now this is funny

http://www.snopes.com/photos/airplane/etihad.asp#photo3

We are in trouble eh!...








The population of this country is 30 million.





16 million are retired.





That leaves 14 million to do the work.







There are 8.5 million in school.








Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.






Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.






Leaving 1.5 million to do the work.



200,000 are in the armed forces






Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.








Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments. And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.



At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.







Leaving 100,200 to do the work.












Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.

















That leaves just two people to do the work.















You and me.
















And there you are













Sitting on your ass






At your computer, reading jokes.








Nice. Real nice.

This guy belongs in San Pedro on a golf cart!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-iEIArE4_Q&NR=1

listen to the Cop loosing it

Or this one perhaps?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUZ2-RoV258

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection
to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous,
but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other
than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own
at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

How To Avoid The Flu.

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.


Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.


Walk for at least an hour a day..


Go for a swim..


Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


Get plenty of rest.
OR

Take the doctor's approach..
Think about it...
When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why???

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..
So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my lager ...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up
flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said...
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well and Laugh Often !