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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

The really wild West

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornadoes and droughts --not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills.

Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.

Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the heck do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?"

To which the fellow replied, "Heck no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here --Mad Martin's coming!"

FEMALE COMPASSION

(The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been f****d?"

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, "No."

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're
crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying i n Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million othe r people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
An d the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?"

Subject: guts vs. balls

Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We have all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference
between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further
confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death!!

Bagpiper's Story


As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was no where in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can'tafford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand,but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles:bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7. You were amazed to discover that cellphones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 8. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 9. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Can someone please help me. This is a Chinese eye test and I must be failing somehow because I don't understand it at all! Supposedly, if you pull your eyelids back as if you were Chinese, you can see something. Still nothin!